HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS WHEN EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION

You’re standing in front of your mirror trying to decide what to wear. You felt good about your look when you put it on, but then you sent a picture to the group chat. One friend loves it. Another says you should change your shoes. Someone else thinks the whole outfit is “doing too much.” Now you’re staring at the same outfit you liked five minutes ago, wondering if you should change everything.

It’s not always about an outfit. Maybe you want to try out for the school play, but your best friend wants you to join a club with her. Maybe you’re interested in taking an art class, but someone says it won’t help you get into college. Or maybe you don’t want to go to a party, but you already know people will ask why you weren’t there. Before you’ve had a chance to decide how you feel, everyone else’s opinion is already in the middle of it.

There’s nothing wrong with asking for advice because someone else may help you see something you missed. The problem comes when you hear so many opinions that you can’t tell which thoughts are yours. Making your own decisions doesn’t mean you can’t ask for advice. It means listening to what others have to say while remembering that the decision is still yours.

WHEN EVERYONE ELSE’S OPINION GETS TOO LOUD

It makes sense that other people’s opinions matter to you. You care about your friends, you want the adults in your life to be proud of you and you don’t want someone you love to feel left out or disappointed because of something you decided. Sometimes saying yes feels easier than explaining why you want something different, especially when you’re the only person in the group who feels that way.

Then there’s social media, where almost every choice can be shared, rated and compared. You can post two outfits and get ten answers before you’ve spent ten quiet minutes thinking about what you like. You’re also constantly seeing what other girls are wearing, listening to and achieving. Without realizing it, you can start believing there’s one right way to look, act or plan your future.

That’s why it helps to notice how you felt before everyone else weighed in. Were you excited about the audition before your friend laughed? Did you like the outfit before you posted it? Did staying home sound like a relief before someone made you feel guilty? Your first reaction won’t always give you the final answer, but it can remind you what was true before you started worrying about everyone else.

CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF FIRST

Before you ask the group chat, take a few minutes to ask yourself. Put down your phone and give yourself enough quiet time to form an opinion. Start with three questions: What do I actually want? What am I worried might happen? What would I choose if I knew nobody would judge me?

Be honest with yourself even if the answer doesn’t sound impressive. Maybe you want to audition but are afraid you won’t get a part. Maybe you don’t want to go to the party but worry about being left out of the stories on Monday. Once you know what’s making the decision difficult, you can deal with the real problem. Being afraid to fail isn’t the same as not wanting something, and wanting approval isn’t the same as changing your mind.

It can also help to separate what you know from what you’re assuming. In your notes app, make two lists: “What I know” and “What I’m afraid of.” If you’re considering student council, you may know the deadline and responsibilities but fear that you’ll embarrass yourself or won’t win. Those feelings are real, but they aren’t facts. Seeing the difference can make the decision feel easier to make.

Pay attention to how each option makes you feel, too. Sometimes one choice brings a sense of relief, while another makes you feel tired before you’ve even said yes. At the same time, don’t assume that feeling nervous automatically means something is wrong. Trying something new can be exciting and scary at once. Ask yourself, “Does this feel unsafe, or does it just feel unfamiliar?” If it feels unsafe, trust that feeling and step back. If it simply feels new, your nerves may be showing up because the choice matters to you.

KNOW WHO TO LISTEN TO

Everyone can have an opinion, but not everyone gives good advice. Before asking someone what they think, ask yourself why you trust them. Do they listen without interrupting you or tell you the truth without making you feel small? Even people who love you can give advice based on their own fears. The right person helps you think through the situation instead of making your circumstance about what they would do. You can listen carefully and still decide that their advice doesn’t fit you.

Be careful about asking too many people, too. If you ask six friends, two relatives and everyone in the group chat, you probably won’t feel more certain. You’ll just have more answers competing in your head. Choose one or two people who know you well and help you think instead of trying to decide for you. Rather than asking, “What should I do?” explain what you’re considering and ask, “Is there anything I might be missing?” That way, you’re getting another perspective without handing over your decision.

Of course, some choices don’t belong to you alone. If something costs money, changes your family’s schedule or affects your safety, a parent or another trusted adult may need to be involved. That doesn’t mean your opinion doesn’t matter. Tell them what you want, why it matters to you and what you’re willing to do to make it work. You may not always get the answer you want, but learning to explain what you want clearly is part of learning to use your voice.

WHEN ADVICE STARTS TO FEEL LIKE PRESSURE

There’s a difference between someone sharing an opinion and someone trying to make the decision for you. Advice gives you room to think, ask questions and disagree. Pressure makes you feel like there’s only one answer. “I really want you to come to the party, but I understand if you don’t” is very different from “If you were really my friend, you would come with me to the party.” One tells you how the person feels. The other uses guilt to control what you do.

Peer pressure isn’t always obvious or dramatic. Sometimes it looks like changing an outfit you loved because someone made a face, laughing at a joke that made you uncomfortable or agreeing to plans because you’re afraid people will talk about you if you don’t go. You may tell yourself you’re choosing what you want when you’re really trying to avoid someone’s reaction. When you’re unsure, ask yourself, “Would I still want to do this if I knew nobody would be upset with me?” Your answer can tell you a lot.

You don’t owe anyone an immediate response just because they want one. Feeling rushed can make you say yes before you’ve even checked in with yourself. It’s completely okay to say, “Let me think about it,” “I’ll let you know later” or “I’m not sure yet.” Then step away from the conversation or put your phone down for a while. A little distance can help you figure out whether you want to say yes or simply feel uncomfortable saying no.

You can say, “That’s not what I want to do,” or “I know you feel differently, but this feels right for me.” Someone may be disappointed, but disappointing someone isn’t the same as doing something wrong. People who respect you won’t punish you for having a mind of your own.

There are also times when the priority isn’t thinking something over—it’s getting somewhere safe. If you’re being pressured to cross your personal boundaries or stay in a situation that scares you, you don’t have to worry about being polite. Leave if you can, call a trusted adult, ask someone safe to pick you up or use whatever excuse you need to get away. Asking for help doesn’t mean you failed. Knowing when you need support is a good decision, too.

TRUSTING YOURSELF TAKES PRACTICE

You can take your time, ask good questions and still make a decision you wouldn’t make again. You might join a club and realize it isn’t for you or go somewhere you thought would be fun and wish you had stayed home. That doesn’t mean you’re bad at making decisions. Sometimes you can’t know how something will feel until you experience it. Instead of beating yourself up, ask what the choice taught you. Self-trust doesn’t come from always getting it right. It grows when you pay attention, learn from what happens and choose differently when you know more.

Think back to the outfit in the mirror. Maybe your friend pointed out something useful, and you decide to change one piece. Maybe you look at yourself again and realize you still love exactly what you chose. Either answer can be right. The goal isn’t to ignore everyone else. It’s to hear what they have to say without losing track of what you think.

So the next time the group chat has ten different answers, put down your phone for a minute and look in the mirror again. The girl looking back at you may already know more than she thinks.

Keep shining—we’re cheering for you.

The Girl Lab Team